The Little Girl Inside our Story: Discerning Accurate Messages
Help, God—the bottom has fallen out of my life!
Master, hear my cry for help!
Listen hard! Open your ears!
Listen to my cries for mercy. Psalm 130:2 (MSG)
Bethany’s ‘little girl’ story – (Part 3)
Where we left off last time: When I was halfway through the 7th grade, my dad got work somewhere else, and my family relocated. I never returned to school. This left me with the insecurity of being very uneducated, a feeling with which I continue to struggle.
I was 16 years old when I met a boy who changed the way I had always felt about men. He was the first person I told about my abuse. He loved me anyway. He married me. I thought everything would be easier after we got married.
I had found someone who loved and accepted me—dirty secrets and all. But things weren’t easy. My past ate at me. It popped up from my sub-conscience. I didn’t have the tools I needed to be free. I still believed the lies I grew up hearing. They were so ingrained in me. Over and over the voices sneered, and I listened as they reminded me:
You’re worthless!
You’re unlovable!
You’re stupid!
You’re a liar!
Those voices were so loud. Perhaps they drowned out other voices that tried tog to warn me to watch for red flags in my marriage. I ended up being betrayed by the only man I had ever truly trusted with my heart.
Then the angry voices erupted. By the time I discovered what my husband was doing, we had two children. I watched as my kids became the targets of my anger. I listened to the angry words I hurled at my precious children, and I hated myself for this behavior.
Then, there were those voices, which I talked about in part 1 of my story. Voices I heard at church, talking about the grace of God.
So many voices—those with which I was familiar: worthlessness, shame, inadequacy, unworthiness—the newly acquired, frightening voice of anger—all mingling and clashing together with an unfamiliar voice of grace.
Even though listening to the conflicting messages was disturbing, I’m sure they are what brought me to the place where I was able to say, “That’s enough!” and gave me the courage to reach out for help.
When I met with the woman at my church who I had admired from a distance, I had no idea what our meeting would hold. I’d heard her speak before. There was something different about her message. She seemed authentic and trustworthy. The intimacy with which she talked about God was foreign but felt real and like something I wanted.
Even though I didn’t know what I was going to say, before our time together was over, I had poured out my whole shameful story. I’ll never forget what she said to me.
“Bethany, it’s okay to cry for the ‘little girl’ in you who died that day when you were 7.”
She prayed for me. She asked God to restore the joy that had been taken from me as a child. She walked with me, assisting me in finding resources to get the help I so desperately needed.
Shortly after that meeting, one of our pastors did a mini-series of sermons on God-honoring, healthy sexuality. He’d invited a woman to share her story of growing up with her minister-father who sexually abused her and her sisters.[i]
Four words in the guest speaker’s talk impacted me deeply. Concerning her father’s pattern of repeated sexual abuse, the woman said she reached a point where she finally decided,
“The crazy stops here!”
That’s where I’m at now! (to be continued…)
[i] To learn more about the speaker: http://lauralandgraf.com/
Sue’s Note: Even though I’ve heard Bethany’s story many times, reading it again is building my faith in God, who never is the author of evil but who will work together all the chapters of a broken story, recycling it for a good purpose.
I’m praying you will learn to recognize and reject any lies you grew up hearing…
